The Molly Mae Money Making Guide to Girlbossing

A Molly Mae Money Making Guide to Girlbossing

Hi boss babes! You know what totally sucks? Being poor. What a total chore: why be poor when you could just be rich instead? A lot of people don’t actually know this, but we all have the same 24 hours in a day, so use those hours wisely! Lucky for you, here’s your guaranteed guide to help you disgusting peasants be a totally girl boss babe. Follow this 5 step guide, and you too can enjoy such luxuries and The Influencer Sofa, mid-lockdown “work” trips to Dubai and complaining about Italian food.

Step One: Be Attractive

This one’s kind of a no brainer, right? Not in an unattainable way though, in a #relatable way. Don’t conform to European standards that have only worsened with the rise of social media? Not a problem; plastic surgery and fillers have never been so attainable. Get a credit card or a #klarna credit plan and just call it an investment. How do you expect to be successful if you don’t look the part? Obviously, if anyone asks, just call it puberty. Plus, if you go too far and are no longer recognisable in your FaceID, you can just go for a #BodyPosIcon vibe by getting your fillers removed and make a #statement about #beauty and #society. In the interim, just get the fillers and don’t look back.

Step Two: Lose Weight

Again, kind of a no brainer. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen a fat person be successful. And no I will not be listening to any examples. We’ve all got the same 1440 minutes in a day, and if Beyonce can look like that, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t. “Oh but hun,” I hear you say, “I can’t afford healthy food and a gym membership and a personal trainer and a dietician and a nutritionist and a Peleton,” To that, I say “ew, gross,” but also you know what’s cheaper than healthy food? Zero food! Keep it up and soon you’ll be getting gifted weight loss gummies and diarrhoea tea – then the extra pounds will fall right off! Don’t forget, you still need to look #relatable to the #proles so be sure to post the occasional picture where you stick your stomach out and slouch, to show that even #girlbosses have #badbodydays.

Step Three: Work Hard (To Get On TV)

We’ve all got the same 86400 seconds in a day, and we need to maximise earning potential in all those seconds; frankly what’s harder than filling out an application form to go on a reality TV show where you sunbathe and make out with relative strangers. I mean, to fill out the application form, you need a pen?!? Then you’ve got to fill out the form with facts about yourself like your perfect type and your national insurance number! After such strenuous work, you’d surely expect to be able to take a break, but only basic bitches take breaks! After gruelling tasks like filling out an application form and finding someone to proofread your tweets, expect more hard work like filming yourself trying on new clothes or taking a picture of a coffee! You can rest when you’re dead babes.

Step Four: Own Your Success

As a woman, we are constantly getting knocked down by people saying negative things like “you’re only famous because you went on TV,” and “Italian food is good actually!” As an upcoming girl boss, people are going to ask you, who do you owe your success to? Could it be your parents who let you live rent-free while you filmed Primark Hauls? Could it be your famous boyfriend? Maybe even your appearance on a TV show that over 3 million people watched? No, the only person you have to thank for your success is you, you beautiful entrepreneurial spirit. Frankly, anyone who claims otherwise is being a complete sexist; they just can’t handle that a woman is being her boss babe self and werking her way up to the top (of Twitter's trending topics). Where does a woman belong? In the boardroom! What’s my favourite position? CEO (more like SHE EO). Be sure to get a publicist who knows how to use feminist language to further your capitalist agenda (or should I say agendHER).

Step Five: Creative DirectHER

So, thanks to all your hard work, you’ve done it! You’re a Creative Director for a fast-fashion company that’s responsible for an irresponsible amount of waste! Yas queen! Who said Creative Directors need shit like life experience or a degree or any previous work experience, all you need is gumption. But to show that you’re a hard-working woman, be sure to get a photoshoot at the factory wearing a  hard hat and high vis! Try not to think about how cheap the clothes are, and how the factory workers only get paid £3.50 an hour to make poorly fitting pleather pants. Besides, think of all the girl bossing the factory workers are promoting! Try doing some philanthropy, like calling one of the workers a “total babe.” Frankly, if they don’t like working there, they could just get another job? Boo fucking hoo, right.

There we go! The ultimate guide to girl bossing your way to the D list! As the original girl boss Margaret Thatcher (probably) said “I fucking hate poor people.” So let’s go out there and sell some flat tummy tea!