We Need to Talk About Men: The Taboo of Erectile Dysfunction
This piece was written by an anonymous contributor.
After my ex ended our relationship, I repeatedly wrestled with writing this from an ill-placed concept of loyalty to him. I didn’t want to ‘out’ him. I also questioned if it was my place as a woman to write about impotency, but this is a problematic approach to a subject synonymous with a culture of silence.
According to NHS statistics, 1 in 10 men of all ages will suffer from a sexual health problem throughout their life, such as Erectile Dysfunction (ED). ED affects 50% of men over the age of 40, a huge figure; yet it remains one of the most taboo subjects in society.
“At the time, it felt like such a deeply personal ‘us’ problem because it is not normalised enough in society. With the emotional suppression of the issue being a leading cause for ED, it simply needs more attention.”
Keep schtum
My relationship experience taught me that the faster we can create a safe space for men to discuss their sexual health problems, the faster we can eradicate a culture of shame that still exists for men who experience ED. In removing shame, we allow men the social freedom to commence a healthy and open discussion of their issues.
I met my ex through work, and it blossomed into a two-year relationship. It was not always perfect, but at the time I regarded it as loving.
The first time we spent a night together, he revealed that he had problems with maintaining an erection.
He said, “I had a one night stand a couple of years ago, and I couldn’t get it up. She shouted at me, and I haven’t been able to have sex with anybody since. It just doesn’t work; I get too anxious.”
I also quickly learned that I was the only person he had ever spoken to about his issues.
Working through things together, separately
Throughout our relationship I reiterated ‘I don’t care about sex, I care about you, there is no pressure from me.’ I wanted him to know I loved him and that we would work through his anxiety and sexual issues together.
As I came to learn over the years, his idea of ‘working through things together’ was to retreat into himself every time we had another setback, another failed attempt at sex, or another irresolute diagnosis from a doctor.
He often wanted to spend time alone after a sexual setback, which took a huge toll on our relationship. I would resent him for constantly going out drinking and smoking weed while I was home alone worrying about him. I questioned “am I not a good enough girlfriend?”, “why can’t I say the right thing?”, “Why doesn’t he want my support?” I wanted to deal with things proactively as a couple and he wanted to wallow alone.
As his girlfriend, it pained me that he pushed me away in difficult times. But I let him handle things the way he wanted to, because I believed that I would never truly understand his suffering. This ‘man’ problem which I, a woman, could never hope to comprehend. Our sex life became about him granting me an orgasm. It gave him confidence, worth and a sense of achievement, which I now realise came from a place of deep insecurity in him being unable to perform in the ‘traditional sense.’
He visited countless medical professionals over the years, and nobody could offer an absolute diagnosis. He would be informed by one doctor it was a physical problem, while another would tell him “it’s all in your head.” It fuelled his frustration and suffering, with the emotional stress of uncertainty likely contributing to the issue itself.
Medicating Erectile Dysfunction
According to Unity Point Health, there are three criterions for ED. “Trouble getting an erection when desired,” “an erection that doesn’t last long enough for satisfactory performance” and “an erection too soft for penetration.” My ex experienced all three.
Urologist Dr Newton at Unity Point Health said, “the number one question I get asked when talking about erectile dysfunction is “is it common?” Most guys feel isolated and alone with this problem, in large part because despite the frequent commercials, most men don’t talk about it. That makes this an area of men’s health that is often neglected and ignored, even with the substantial emotional stress it causes.”
My ex eventually explored Caverject injections. This worked like an epi-pen; he would stab himself in the penis, injecting a substance that allowed him to maintain an erection. The downside was sometimes he misjudged the dosage and would still have an erection hours after sex. It resulted in many nights when he woke me up fearful and contemplating a visit to the hospital. He also explored prescribed Viagra, but he would always defer to the injections when he felt stressed because it gave him the reassurance of success.
A deeper problem
He ended our relationship shortly after we began sleeping together, saying “I thought that after I had sex I would feel better, but I’m still so sad all the time and I just want to be alone.”
The distance I now have from my ex allowed me to consider the last two years of my life and wonder how many other couples are silently dealing with impotency. At the time, it felt like such a deeply personal ‘us’ problem because it is not normalised enough in society. With the emotional suppression of the issue being a leading cause for ED, it simply needs more attention.
If I had a problem with my vagina, I would discuss it with my partner and my girlfriends for advice, support and love. How many men are dealing with ED but can’t turn to their partner and friends for the same emotional support?
I spent years rationalising my ex’s shortcomings as a boyfriend. His impotency was never the issue for me, but the unhealthy coping methods he adopted for them were. Our entire relationship became about ‘his problem.’ Every poor choice he made was justified because he was depressed, anxious and finding a way to cope with his sexual inadequacies. None of my problems seemed as important in comparison. His ED issues completely overwhelmed our relationship.
I walked on eggshells when he upset me because I didn’t want to become an additional burden to him. A futile effort, because ultimately, he viewed our relationship as a burden he could no longer bear. I put up with things I wouldn’t normally, because he seemed so emotionally fragile. I started putting him first and myself second because I didn’t want to push him over the edge. I couldn’t talk about the realities of my relationship to anybody in my life because I was betraying and embarrassing him. I existed to be his support system when it suited him, but he was too involved with his own issues to act as mine.
Support for people with penises
So often, women are expected to rationalise the emotional shortcomings of men. But instead of encouraging women to choose better men, or training women to accept emotional shortcomings as the norm, we should be supporting and enabling men on a journey to become emotionally healthier and creating an environment for men to freely open dialogues about ‘taboo’ subjects, such as their sexual health.
There is no support system in place for men to discuss these deeply personal issues. There are no men’s magazines that discuss it, there are no published works, no opinion pieces and no male journalists that write about their own experience of it. If you google ‘impotency’, a long list of medical websites appears, but not much else. Considering the ED statistics evidence, this must change.
To this day, I don’t know if my ex suffered from such crippling anxiety that it caused his impotency, or if his impotency issues caused his anxiety. Perhaps I never will. Perhaps he never will either. But I like to think that one day a world will exist where he, and the other ‘1 in 10’ men can openly discuss their sexual health problems without shame and embarrassment and unravel that mystery for themselves.
If you experience problems with erectile dysfunction, in the first instance you should speak to your regular medical practitioner.
For resources and signposting around erectile dysfunction, you can visit the following sites:
NHS England
Urology Care Foundation
Sexual Advice Association
Men’s Health Forum
British Association of Urological Surgeons