Election Fever 2: Electric Boogaloo (A Guide for the Undecided)

I’m tired all the time, all my muscles hurt, and I’m nauseous.

In unrelated news, Britain is having another general election this year.

That’s right, for the third time in five years, the UK is having a general election. Again. We have more general elections than Marvel has female-lead superhero films. The rate of us having general elections is higher than the rate of Frank Ocean releasing albums. We have so many general elections, everyone in the UK has a chronic case of tinnitus.

Despite the frequency of which we vote, the Conservative party have been in charge for the past nine years. In the past nine years, the UK has been living in an age of austerity. Rough sleeping has increased by 165%, food bank use is up exponentially, and the number of children growing up in poverty in on the up. The Conservative party don’t care about the working class. They don’t care about children going hungry or people sleeping on the streets. They don’t care about elderly people getting stuck in hospital because there aren’t enough rehab hospitals or care homes for them to be discharged to. They don’t care about the victims of Grenfell, where deregulation and underinvestment lead to the deaths of 72 people, with over 200 being made homeless. They don’t care about a four-year-old boy who’s forced to sleep on the floor of a hospital because there aren’t enough beds; that much was evidenced when Tory leader and human smegma Boris Johnson refused to even look at the photo evidence of this, and stole the reporters’ phone in his sheer refusal.

Dr Sarah Q in the iconic ‘Vote Labour’ dress, 2017

(As a quick sidebar, it’s genuinely depressing that the Conservative party have taken a page out of the Republic handbook and resorted to trolls / bots. Yesterday, a bunch of identical tweets where a “good friend who is a senior nursing sister at Leeds Hospital” claimed that the photo was staged. Firstly, where are all these senior nursing sisters coming from? Are y’all the 50,000 new nurses that Johnson promised? Secondly, there is no Leeds Hospital. There’s St James’s, and LGI. No one in Yorkshire says Leeds Hospital. You don’t go here).

The only thing Boris Johnson cares about is himself. If he cared about the public, he’d accept questioning by legendary roast-master Andrew Neil, as did all the other party leaders. Instead he hid at home wanking off to a cardboard cut out of Churchill (probably). If he cared, he’d answer questions from the press instead of literally hiding in a fridge. If he cared, he’d show up to the Channel 4 Leaders Climate Change debate, instead of getting his dad to show up with a note like someone trying to get out of P.E class.

Boris Johnson is a liar. All politicians are liars but Johnson’s Pinnochio nose is so big that the homeless are using it as a shelter from the rain. A study published yesterday revealed that 88% of Tory election adverts on Facebook contained lies, compared with Labour’s 0%. He has lied about the rampant Islamophobia in the Tory party, he’s lied about funding to the NHS and social care, and he’s lied about Russian interference in the UK elections. He even lied to the Queen! Johnson is such a deplorable human being, that even former Tory Prime Minister John Major has essentially denounced him.

If he wins this election, it means more austerity measures, more tax cuts for billionaires and bonuses for bankers. It means a rise of nationalism and Islamophobia. It means that there’s a very good chance that the NHS will be sold to Trump, and that Amazon will get access to health data. It means a hard Brexit or a no-deal Brexit, which could potentially devastate the Irish Border.

If you care about health, welfare, social services, education and, you know, basic human rights, vote with your head. Don’t abstain because you don’t like Corbyn, or because “all parties are the same,” (they’re not), or because your vote doesn’t matter (it does). Vote tactically and get that lying turd out of parliament.

To find out who to vote for in your constituency, check out Vote Tactically and go out and vote tomorrow!