The UK Doesn't Have A Fascism Problem, Right?

Recently, there’s been a little bit of a panic that the United Kingdom is falling prey to the slow creep of fascism. These liberal alarmists would have you believe that the government is sneaking in authoritarian and draconian policies through the back door so that we don’t notice. 

So what has got these snowflakes all riled up?

Back in 2017, a poster from the gift shop of the American National Holocaust Museum went viral. It was based on an article written by Laurence W. Britt for the Free Inquiry back in 2003 called “Fascism Anyone?”, in which Britt lays out his 14 early warning signs of fascism.

This was used to highlight the early Trump administration’s flirtation with fascism and, to be fair, they did have a point. But this the United Kingdom! We defeated the Nazis! We’re much more vigilant than our American cousins.

In order to calm everyone down, I’m going to go through each point one by one to demonstrate that we have nothing to worry about.

1. Powerful and continuing expressions of nationalism.

Okay, so admittedly, we do love a bit of nationalism here. But we’re simply just proud of our country. Of our rich history of innovation, exploration and… you know… all that other stuff. But we won’t talk about that.

One thing that Britt does mention specifically is an obsession with flags. Which quite frankly I don’t see. I mean, we did just spend a week in a war about a BBC presenter liking a joke about a flag, but forgetting that I think we’re pretty reasonable when it comes to flags.

Just look at this picture of Tony Blair in the Downing Street press room. Not a flag in sight.

So David Cameron was occasionally photographed in front of flags, but that’s an occupational hazard.

Okay, they were quite prominently behind Theresa May. But it’s still just two flags.

Shit.

2. Disdain for the importance of human rights.

We’ve always been very big on human rights in this country. We take the human rights of our citizens very seriously. That’s why, when we want to breach them, we simply just remove your citizenship. Which, thinking about it, might actually be a breach of human rights. But to try and remedy this, the government is conducting a review in whether or not we really need all of them.

Okay, so it’s not looking good on this one either. But that’s only two out of fourteen! Nothing to worry about.

3. Identification of enemies/scapegoats as a unifying cause.

Luckily, the British establishment has never resorted to scapegoatism. And I for one blame those benefit scrounging, Brussels bureaucrat, woke-brigade, remoaner immigrants at the BBC.

4. The supremacy of the military/ avid militarism.

There’s nothing wrong with having a strong military. How else are we supposed to invade middle eastern countries based on shaky evidence? Britt was only really concerned with the resources being prioritised towards the military in times of national need. And we’ve just spent all that money giving nurses a 1% pay rise so we can afford to splash out on some extra nuclear warheads. And we’ve only done that cause we wanted to see the look on Corbyn’s face.

5. Rampant sexism.

Priti Patel.

Boom. She’s a woman AND the child of immigrants, so that’s like, intersectional feminism.

To be fair, 97% of women in the UK have been sexually assaulted, and only around 3.6% of reported rapes result in prosecution, and a police officer recently (allegedly) abducted and murdered Sarah Everard. Not to mention a decent chunk of our current PM’s personality is unadulterated sexism. Which is just about the only thing Johnson hasn’t adulterated.

6. A controlled mass media.

Well our media certainly isn’t controlled by the government, but it is controlled by people who donate a lot of money to the ruling party. But that’s why we have good old Aunty Beeb. A completely independent, publicly funded broadcaster that is free from government influence and can hold them to account. Which is why the government is looking to hand it over to Rishi Sunak’s old boss,  and regular Tory donor, Richard Sharp. Which isn’t great. But luckily, we have Ofcom to oversee the media and hold everyone to account. Which is why the government is looking to hand it over to former D*ily M*il editor, and a man with so many regulation breaches that there’s probably an entire Ofcom taskforce dedicated to shouting at him, Paul Dacre.

So we’re currently 6 for 6 on warning signs of fascism, which means we’re not even 50% fascist so don’t freak out yet. There’s plenty of time to redeem ourselves.

7. Obsession with national security.

Okay so this isn’t fair. We already talked about the military and the nuclear stockpile in warning sign number 4. And I guess there’s also the framing of Brexit allowing us to take back control of our borders. And Priti Patel, in a totally girlboss move, plans to park navy warships in the channel to prevent migrant crossings.

50% isn’t great, but that’s still a pass!

8. Religion and ruling elite tied together.

Finally, one we don’t hit! We’re a multicultural nation. We’ve got two Hindus in cabinet, for Christ’s fuck’s sake!

Oh shit, I forgot our head of state is also the head of the church. Moving on…

9. Power of corporations protected.

Yes, the UK government regularly allows businesses to flout its own environmental protection laws and yes, the pandemic response prioritised helping business at the cost of the lives of individual citizens. But have you considered, stonks go up?

10. Power of labour suppressed or eliminated.

The Conservatives are the new party of the working class, they can’t be bad for labour rights. Sure, in 2015 they launched the biggest cutback of union rights in a generation. But that was before the red wall fell. Now they just want to outlaw those annoying protests. Not just protests about working conditions and compensation, but all protests. So they can’t be accused of targeting labour rights. Which is better, right? Right?!

If I’m being honest, I’m starting to get a little concerned about all this.

11. Disdain and suppression of intellectuals and the arts.

I mean we are currently living through a pandemic that was worsened by the government’s refusal to listen to scientists, and a response that focused almost solely on saving business with little to no support for the arts. It’s gotten so bad that it’s left Andrew Lloyd-Webber begging the government to let him unleash chemical warfare on theatre audiences.

But on the other hand, we’re experiencing hysterical media storm lamenting woke-left cancel culture holding people account for historic racism while at the same time cheering the cancelling of government critical satire with a perceived left wing bias. Hold on, that’s the same hand.

12. Obsession with crime and punishment.

If we’re so obsessed with crime and punishment, then explain to me why the punishment for the crime of vandalising a statue is ten years in jail, but the punishment for the crime of rape is only five years in jail? Oh right, because of the rampant misogyny deeply ingrained into British culture resulting in a low value being placed on the lives of women and defacing a statue is seen as an attack on British culture and a much more serious crime.

See also, the fictional narrative around taking back control of our courts from the EU.

13. Rampant cronyism and corruption.

There’s a fucking lot of this. Matt Hancock giving out PPE contracts to his mates, Dido Harding being given control of test and trace, test and trace being outsourced to Serco. Someone should really let the government's anti corruption champion know.  Who is that by the way? Oh I see, it’s Dido Harding’s husband.

That’s thirteen out of fourteen warning signs. A reasonable person would call it a day here, but if we don’t hit just one of these warnings then I feel pretty confident in claiming that we don’t have to worry about the slow creep of fascism.

14. Fraudulent elections.

Finally, a warning sign that we don’t hit! We have free and fair elections with a secret ballot to ensure the will of the people to decide who governs us. I win! We’re not fascist!

I mean, sure there was a sustained and orchestrated media campaign against one of the major candidates during the last few elections that arguably swayed the result, and a party that won 43.6% of the vote controls 56% of parliament, and our very system of democracy is inherently biased and effectively silences the voices of millions, so… erm... fuck.

I’m beginning to think that we might have a problem with fascism.