Softbois Are Worse Than We Thought
By Florenne Earle Ledger. Florenne is a 22 year old English literature graduate working in the sustainable fashion sector. She enjoys reading and writing about social inequalities and learning about other people’s experiences through journalism. You can find her at @florenne_.
via IG
Thanks to @beam_me_up_soft_boi, we’ve all had the pleasure of reading the ridiculous messages sent from soft boys to women just about everywhere. But when did we start to realise that soft boys can be problematic? Unfortunately, some men have begun to use femininity and left wing politics to manipulate women.
Men being in touch with their feminine side and speaking openly about their feminist views is a positive thing. However, in this article, I am referring to men who use these personality traits to manipulate and control women.
Let’s start at the beginning. When and why did our obsession with softbois begin?
the poster child for the Softboi // art by @chalametinart
The Rise of the Softboi
For so long patriarchal society enforced the majority of men to be emotionless beings, fixated on the idea of women as house wives or sexual objects. When feminism demanded men view women as actualised beings, many women were pleased by the notion that men were openly describing themselves as feminists. Men who were happy to declare themselves advocates for equality were presented as rare or alternative by the media. This popularised the narrative that soft boys were good guys, hard to come by.
The rarity associated with men who believe in gender equality encourages us to latch onto “softbois” (henceforth soft boy in this article) for longer than they deserve, for fear that we won’t find another sensitive or emotionally available man easily. In reality, boys who spend time illustrating themselves as respectful of women are often less respectful than those who let their actions speak for themselves.
It’s great that an increasing number of men are onboard with feminism, this is a step in the right direction. Men are an essential part of feminism. We need both men and women to be vocal about their views for equality to prevail. However, in feminist discussions, men need to make a conscious effort to listen to women before offering their perspective. This concept seems difficult for some soft boys to grasp. There are plenty of male identifiers that truly respect women and believe in gender equality. But, if you identify as male, ask your girl friends how many guys they have met that start conversations with ‘I’m a feminist’ and proceed to dominate the conversation with statements about how they believe in equality and how they see things differently to their predecessors.
We love to see passionate feminists engaging in a discussion, but when men use the concept of feminism as way to impress women — without giving them a chance to speak or share their views — their actions speak louder than words.
All men should be feminists. They don’t deserve applause for believing women should be treated as equal beings. True male feminists do not expect praise. So, when soft boys use feminism as a way to gain female attention it’s a sign they don’t understand the concept.
A Softbois Guide to Emotional Manipulation
Like many others, I’m tired of seeing boys use the fact that they are emotional beings as a means to suggest they can do no wrong. Thanks to the patriarchy, it’s out of the ordinary for men to be emotionally vulnerable. When soft boys are open with us, as they often are, claiming they are in love when they barely know us (also problematic, but we’ll get to that later) they think they are being the guy every girl wants. In reality, they are (subconsciously or not) enforcing their feelings onto their love interest. This is controlling as it makes women feel guilty when they don’t feel the same.
By being so distant from what we expect of men, or the modern day ‘f*ck boy”, we are made to feel like we should be interested in softbois/soft boys. Just because a man isn’t rude or vulgar in his expression of his feelings, or shows great interest in you, does not mean you can’t turn him down without being branded as a bitch. From personal experience, the way soft boys romanticise their feelings for their crushes is an indirect form of control and manipulation. It makes women feel guilty or awkward turning them down.
It took me years to realise how problematic the way that soft boys announce their feelings can be. A long time ago, a boy I knew told our group of friends he had strong feelings for me and posted poems about me online when he hardly knew me. He knew people would see them and that it would get back to me. I knew he didn’t mean what he was saying. He was trying to romanticise his life and to do so he felt he needed to obsess over someone - so he chose me at random. In retrospect, the way he acted was manipulative and performative - but in the moment I felt too bad to call it such. Just because he openly announced how he felt about me in a way that he felt I should be impressed by, does not mean I should have felt as guilty and horrible as I did for not feeling the same way. Men who claim they value feminism need to consider how their actions will make women feel and stop using their ‘sensitivity’ to push their own agenda.
Love Bombing
Love bombing or emotionally overwhelming someone with the intensity of your feelings is problematic. That being said, communication is key in any stage of a relationship and there is nothing wrong with expressing that a romantic situation is going well. The problem starts when men over idealise someone — to a strange extent when they barely know them. This is one of soft boys' favourite ways to manipulate women.
Due to patriarchal influences on our society, men being honest and open about their emotions is rare. Soft boys (intentionally or not) sometimes use honesty and openness as a guise for manipulation. By openly expressing their feelings they present themselves as different from other men, and therefore they believe they deserve attention and reciprocation from their love interest.
Sexual Assault
Time and time again I see soft boys (who as we’ve established, love to be vocal about womens rights, which often includes publically condemning sexual assault) hugely contradict themselves. Why is it that multiple men openly claim that they support victims of assault - but continue to use their nice boy facade to get women to do what they want in a sexual context? This could be in the form of claiming they are taking a girl home to look after them and proceeding to make sexual advances, or insisting they don’t mind using protection but not following through. By disguising their real motivations behind seemingly innocent and progressive male behaviour, soft boys can get away with murder.
Notice how many soft boys have a large online presence? They illustrate themselves as feminists and advocates for social justice, but do not actually practice what they preach in day to day life. This demonstrates the fact that some men understand how to orchestrate their appearance to appeal to women, using feminism and liberalism as a honey trap.
There is an easy way to combat this. Men need to call out their friends when they treat women poorly and lower their tolerance of male violence towards women. Whilst men do experience sexual assault, many men make excuses for their friends for the reason that they don’t understand how it feels to be in a position of danger or a victim of sexual assault. A worrying number of men don’t understand the importance of having awkward conversations with friends about how they are treating women on nights out, etc. Sadly, men are often more likely to listen to other men before changing their actions. Men who claim to be feminists need to back up their beliefs with actions.
In an ideal world, we would all respect people for who they are, rather than trying to be a caricature of ourselves to manipulate women. Being aware of the potential soft boys have to manipulate us in a patriarchal society is essential to encourage men to back up their words with actions, in order to strive for equality and healthy relationships.