Pandemic Television: Episodes To Quarantine To
Anyway, I guess we’re all going to die. We’re not, but I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way. You’re stuck inside while people are literally dying and the government’s response has been objectively terrible. The only thing we can do is bake bread and watch TV. TV is there to comfort us when we’re sad, to distract us from impending doom, and to hold a mirror up to our terrible, terrible society. Let’s have a look at some essential roni watching in these trying times. All these shows pair well with lots of alcohol, and freshly baked bread.
the bottle episodes
Mad Men - The Suitcase
Working sucks, but imagine working whilst stuck in an office with your alcoholic borderline abusive boss on your birthday! In one of the finest hours of television this century, Peggy and Don are in a quarantine of their own making trying to come up with a pitch for a suitcase. Though not a typical bottle episode, classic bottle episode shenanigans ensue, including a pathetic fight between two alcoholics, rifling through the boss’s belongings, and of course, heartfelt conversations. Don and Peggy always had the best relationship in Mad Men, and The Suitcase is a showcase of this. Jon Hamm and Elisabeth Moss hit it out of the park, and even the slightly on-the-nose ghost with a suitcase doesn’t ruin a near-perfect episode of TV.
Breaking Bad - Fly
Speaking of “stuck in the office with your boss,” imagine being stuck in a crystal meth superlab with your borderline abusive boss whilst trying to catch a rogue fly! Relatable, right? In one of Breaking Bad’s best, Jesse and Walt are essentially quarantined in a meth superlab trying to catch a fly, which is surely a metaphor. Directed by Mr Karina Longworth himself, Rian Johnson seamlessly shifts through multiple genres whilst keeping the character struggles at the forefront. One minute, Walter White is struggling with a broom in a classic slapstick comedy, the next he’s musing on his own death in an existential drama. Though lighter on the action than a typical Breaking Bad episode, Fly is a perfect character exploration of a man who would soon become irredeemable.
Community - Co-operative Calligraphy
“I hate bottle episodes,” says Abed Nadir at the beginning of the Community Bottle Episode, “they’re wall to wall facial and emotional nuance. I might as well sit in the corner with a bucket on my head.” Minutes later, Jeff tells his cancelled date’s disappointment to “suck it, [he’s] doing a bottle episode.” Season 2 of Community was firing on all cylinders. The jokes were fire, the character work was nuanced and thoughtful, and the concepts felt organic and natural character beats. In the first bottle episode, Annie loses her pen. That’s it, that’s the whole set up; the lost pen ends up leading to multiple forced accusations, Guantanamo comparisons, sexual tension, pregnancy reveals, and the tortuous removal of leg casts. It also, of course, leads to declarations of friendship, sentimentality and a good old Winger Speech to save the day. No matter how your quarantines are going, at least your housemate hasn’t lost a pen. Yet.
You’re The Worst - There Is Currently Not A Problem
Being trapped inside without anything to distract you other than the impending spectre of death may be setting off a lot of people's mental health (myself included). Season 2 of You’re The Worst is a phenomenal exploration of depression, so good it only went and set mine off! I’d normally recommend it, but it’s honestly Too Real ™. In There Is Currently Not a Problem, the gang are stuck inside because of the LA Marathon thus hindering plans to go out and enjoy the day. To compensate, and distract her from her increasingly invasive depressive thoughts, Gretchen spends the day getting wrecked and trying to dance until she explodes; she verbally eviscerates everyone in the room before breaking down and opening up about her depression to her emotionally stunted boyfriend. Throughout the episode runs a palpable sense of tension making Gretchen’s breakdown both inevitable and cathartic, and it’s beautifully acted by Aya Cash.
the illness episodes
Parks & Recreation - Flu Season
Parks & Rec is a very nice show with very nice people. Sadly, even very nice people get ill sometimes. In Flu Season, the characters get the flu and showcase exactly what not to do if you get symptoms. Not to be deterred by coroyza, myalgia and pyrexia, go-getter Leslie Knope insists on making a public presentation about the harvest festival. Meanwhile, April is a difficult patient, and Chris shatters all illusion of perfection by being ill and disgusting. This episode is a hilarious example of what not to do! Don’t unnecessarily be a bitch to your nurse, don’t go out to public meetings and potentially infect countless others! Instead, stay and home and watch Parks and Rec. You’ll instantly feel better. (Editor's note; Parks & Recreation can not cure COVID-19 - if you experience severe symptoms please seek urgent medical advice).
Community - Epidemiology
The zombie apocalypse might be coming. Thanks to science, it’s not, but it might be. Hopefully, our zombie apocalypse will be soundtracked by ABBA. As I said, Season 2 of Community was nailing it, and Epidemiology was further proof. The schools Halloween party accidentally turns into a zombie apocalypse thanks to some dodgy army meat. They try to quarantine, but it doesn’t work, thus proving the need for proper social distancing. This episode has allusions to Alien, as well as every zombie movie ever made and despite the spectre of death looming, it is hysterical.
RuPaul’s Drag Race - RuPocalypse Now
Imagine you’re stuck in a zombie apocalypse while a bunch of undead drag queens are chasing you around as you frantically try and get supplies for your next outfit. Well, this could be our future! (That is, of course, a lie, this will not be our future). Odds are Urban Outfitters is going to close in the coming apocalypse and we need to figure out how to still look cute in the apocalypse. Alternatively, we need to figure out how to look undead and have blood gushing from our mouths.
Scrubs - My Cabbage
I’m not sure Scrubs really aged that well. I watched it when I was young and the concept of being a doctor was a twinkle in my eye, but does anyone really talk about it anymore? A month ago I would have said a resounding no, but a scene has been making the rounds recently that is devastatingly accurate. In the US, Sepsis is a leading cause of in-hospital deaths, and season 5’s My Cabbage encapsulates why; hospitals are disgusting and infection can spread everywhere. After a few too many episodes of people not washing their hands before and after patient contact, ward favourite Mrs Wilk develops a respiratory infection on the day of her expected discharge. The next episode is called My Five Stages, so no spoilers on how that works out. Anyway, wash your hands you monsters.
The Americans - Experimental Prototype City of Tomorrow / Chloramphenicol (but also all of season four)
This one’s dedicated to all you crazies who think that COVID is a Chinese bioweapon created to destroy the West. Season 4 of The Americans deals with the novel bioagent “glanders.” It is “to meningitis what the bubonic plague was to the common cold.” The first episode goes along as standard; should we kill our daughters’ Pastor, should we go to Epcot - standard family drama. Things take more of a turn when Phillip and Elizabeth’s spy handler Gabriel becomes unwell. When they go to the bioagent specialist spy, his advice that they should have “wrapped [him] in plastic and burned his body.” After being advised to wash their hands and not to touch anything, the potentially infected spy squad then head to a safe house for quarantine, symptom control, antibiotic adverse reactions and good old fashioned fever dreams. Getting ill sucks, especially when it’s a bioagent of the state and forces you to cancel your holiday / murder plans.
the bummer episodes
Chernobyl - Please Remain Calm (but also the whole damn show)
If you want to see a showcase of governments handling things badly to save face at the expense of countless lives, look no further than Chernobyl! In episode 2 of the HBO mini-series, Legasov and Ulana Khomyuk keep trying to tell the authorities that the situation is much worse than they think only to fall on deaf ears. 3.6 roentgen, equivalent of one chest x-ray right? COVID-19, it’s basically just the flu, right? Wrong. Government misinformation paired with key workers having to go in with shoddy protective equipment. Hmmmmm. Chernobyl is a stunning show, capturing Soviet-era paranoia mixed with genuinely horrific images straight from the reactor. Also, if you stay socially isolated long enough, you’ll join E and I in believing that Jared Harris is hot. Don’t overthink it, just accept it, and remain calm.
Lost - S2 E1
Starting off the Lindeloff Trilogy of bummer Roni episodes is Lost! Full disclosure, I’ve never seen Lost (LOST? Lost? Who knows, I don’t watch it), but someone suggested that the themes of this episode would be in keeping so hey. Season 2 opens with a man living his best quarantine life. He’s listening to Mama Cas, he’s working out (even though when there is objectively no need to do this), he’s got a fully stocked cupboard full of non-perishables. Good for him. We later find out that he needs to input a code into a computer every 108 minutes because the world might end. Again, I have basically no context for this, but sounds good to me! When you’re in quarantine it’s important to have a hobby, and if that hobby is inputting code and listening to Mama Cas, then so be it. We stan a conscientious social distancer. Anyway, should I watch Lost?
The Leftovers - Pilot (but also the whole damn show)
2% of the world’s population suddenly disappears. There’s no reason, no answers, no cause, no pattern, they just disappear. It doesn’t seem to just target the elderly or people with underlying health conditions - it’s anyone. One minute, they’re arguing with their family about breakfast, then next they’re gone. The Leftovers - aka one of the best TV series ever made - deals with the aftermath, and the pilot sets the stage. We follow Kevin Garvey struggling to pick up the pieces of his fractured family whilst the characters go through all the stages of grief. They’re paranoid that it’ll happen again, they’re trying to forget, but also terrified to forget. Fringe groups and cults have formed in the aftermath, and the pervasive mood for everyone is sorrow. The Leftovers is a show about collective trauma, and how we society attempts to heal. Season One is a bit on the desolate side, and your mileage may vary with all the cult stuff, but season 2 and 3 are practically perfect. Also, instead of getting angry about terrible government responses to COVID-19, you can get angry at how the show only got nominated for one Emmy for Ann Dowd. Justice for Carrie Coon, justice for The Leftovers.
Watchmen - Little Fear of Lightning
When Wade Tillman gets sexually assaulted and abandoned in a house of mirrors, he survives a giant radioactive squid induced psychic blast in 1985, his world is shook. The world was already close to nuclear war, but this single supernatural event saves the world from destruction. That being said, 3 million innocent people died in the name of world peace. Tillman is understandably traumatised from this and carries that trauma with him into the present day where he works as an undercover cop who wears a mirror mask. His house, clothes and face are all covered in reflectatine (fabric mirror essentially) thus protecting him from any further psychic blasts, and he runs regular psychic-blast drills where he runs to safety in an underground bunker. Wayne later learns the truth about the giant squid; it was no supernatural event, the government was involved. Again, I’m not saying that the government are directly responsible for COVID, but there’s no denying that their handling of the situation has left much to be desired. Just like every character in the Watchmen universe, there’s a lot to unpack here, but Little Fear Of Lightning captures the existential fear and paranoia that a lot of us might be feeling right now.