The Fuckboy's Guide to Ghosting
First of all, you’re not a fuckboy.
Fuckboys text ‘u up?’ at two in the morning followed by a series of badly-lit dick pics. You don’t do that. Sure, you like sex, but who doesn’t? You respect women. You take them on dates, make them coffee in the morning, the whole she-bang (no pun intended). But what happens when you get bored? With this guide, you’ll learn how to give ladies the coveted experience of being dated and ghosted by you. All her friends will be jealous!
Step 1: Customize Your Tinder Profile to Attract the Most Potential Partners
You horny motherfucker. Dating apps were made for you. Thanks to this technology, you can swipe right to your heart’s desire. All you have to do is create a brand to market yourself.
You: Handsome, funny, and charming. Someone who knows what he wants. Either has a job, is in graduate school, or both. The kind of guy that keeps condoms in a carved wooden box on his nightstand.
Your Profile Pictures: Use one good quality photo with only you in focus, looking off-camera. Start off on a high note, with all other photos lo-fi, yet still accentuating your strong jawline and smolder. Bonus points if you include a photo of a dog (it doesn’t have to be yours; any dog will do).
Your Bio: Write a brief bio using as many fragments as possible. List both characteristics and activities, but don’t elaborate. Only write in lowercase because you’re emotionally unavailable (you’re basically giving her a heads up, so if she can’t read between the lines here, that’s on her). Use this example as a point of reference:
6’1. roadtrips. loves adventure. soundcloud musician. add my snap.
Step 2: Be a Gentleman
Once you match, message her first with a reference to her bio. This will make her feel like you’re attentive and care about what she has to say. Build a rapport with her, ideally through humor. If you make her laugh, she’ll feel comfortable and trust you.
If you’re planning to ghost after a few weeks, wait four to five days before asking her to get a drink with you. If you’re in it for the long run (i.e. ghosting after three months), talk to her for a month, waiting until she asks you out (this will make her feel empowered for asking, but confused as to why you didn’t).
If She Declines: Say you understand and move on. Remember, you respect women.
If She Accepts: Let her choose the place. It will most certainly be a local bar. Even if this is your local bar, don’t worry— it’s okay to shit where you eat.
On the night of, subscribe to classic dating etiquette. Arrive on time, pay for her drinks, make eye contact and ask her questions. Don’t assume she’ll sleep with you on the first date. Even if she will, don’t ask overtly. Instead try, “want to come to mine for wine and cheese?” (Remember: you talk in lowercase too).
Step 3: But Also, Be A Dick (So She Knows Where She Stands, Kind Of)
Throughout your date, transition between compliments (“i’m so glad you know what beaujolais is”) and subtle digs to feel better about yourself. For instance, she won’t correct you when you say the lead singers of Belle & Sebastian are named Belle and Sebastian because she won’t want to undermine you. However, because you get off on the thrill of making people feel inferior, correct her when she mispronounces words or confuses The Road with Blood Meridian.
After you leave the bar and are getting hot and heavy, make a cryptic comment like “oh, you’re different.” When she becomes self-conscious and asks what you mean, state the obvious: “now you’re getting self-conscious.” She’ll say something like, “Well, yeah,” to which you’ll say, “i mean, everyone’s different.” This is not a good answer— everyone’s different, we all know this— but at least she’ll drop it. Bonus points if you roll your eyes when she pulls out a condom and complain that you can’t feel with it (as though she won’t feel the crabs later).
Step 4: Send Mixed Messages
If You’re Ghosting After a Few Weeks: Let everything happen really fast. Introduce her to all your friends and roommates on your first date. Take her on adventures to the pool, her favorite coffee shop, and parties. Plan for future dates, asking if she’d want to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant with you, even if you won’t follow through. When you make her coffee, casually mention a characteristic she has with “all the people [you] have crushes on.” This is key because she’ll disregard the predecessor “all the people” in favor of the word “crush” and be impressed you’re attuned to your feelings. While in bed with her, mention stomach pain. She’ll give you the Benadryl in her purse. She’ll know this is just casual and won’t last, but with your fervor, she’ll become confused—why introduce her to your friends and take her to brunch if you’re not interested?
If You’re Ghosting After a Few Months: Let everything happen super slow like a drop feeder. Don’t tell her a lot about yourself or your day (don’t worry, she won’t either). Keep conversation casual like, “Super Smash Bros is a modern-day satire of the geopolitical conflict in the Middle East and the culture clash at home” and “The flu sucks.” As per Step Two, text her for a month until she asks you out for drinks. She’ll be confused why you didn’t ask her out, but always snapchat first. If you’re in it for the long-con, you don’t have to worry about dates. Instead, just go to her apartment for Netflix and chill every other week. You don’t have to spend the night and she won’t ask you to. She’ll know you’re just in it for the sex, but when she tries to booty call you, evade the request by saying “I thought you were out with your friends?” She’ll put down her phone and say, “He refused my booty call and never sexts me. He just sends me a lot of memes?”
Step 5: Be Inconsistent about Responses
Now that you have her hooked, you can initiate the first stage of ghosting: texting inconsistency. Make it clear that you are on your phone all the time (you have Twitter set to dark mode after all) but when she texts, either don’t text her back or reply with one word to negate further interaction. “haha” is a perfect conversation killer. Leave her wanting more.
Step 6: End Up in the ER
Ghosting pros love this trick! Disengage from contact for a couple days or leave her on read when she asks what your plans are this weekend. This will make her assume she’s been ghosted and she’ll accept the reality with an It-Is-What-It-Is attitude. Meanwhile, go to the emergency room for what you think is stomach pain. Doctors will say you either have appendicitis or something wrong with your intestines. Get your organs removed. Finally, text her to let her know the drama. She’ll be pleasantly surprised you’re not ghosting her, but also feel like she’s in a weird place. You guys aren’t monogamous, but you’ve been talking long enough to where she’d feel bad ghosting you while you’re recovering.
Step 7: Ghost for Real
Continue talking to her until you’re healed, integrating Steps 4 and 5 into these interactions. If you bump into her at the local bar, still engage in friendly conversation. Show her your scar. Tell her you might go into the bookstore she works at. Kiss her on the forehead before you leave (she won’t be sure if this was a condescending or sweet gesture). She’ll ask if she can see you again. Give a noncommittal answer.
The next day, she’ll text you a joke from work. Now is your time to shine. Instead of saying “you’re cool, but im just not interested in continuing this” or “i have a colostomy bag and can’t fuck for twelve weeks,” just ignore her. Congrats, Fuckboy, you’ve become a ghost!
Troubleshooting
Run into the girl you ghosted? Instead of taking time to say, “I’m sorry for ignoring you, I’ve been really overwhelmed lately,” pretend like nothing happened. Say hi, then ignore her for the rest of the night. Leave with someone else in front of her too just to rub it in that you’re getting laid by a hot chick tonight and she’s getting Chinese takeout.
Did she drunk text you “i know youre probably going going to ghost me me me and soon” at two in the morning? Say, “im confused lol.” Put off ghosting plans for another month until she has her guard back down.