The Government Guide to Protest

So, we hear that you lot are unhappy? Sure, if you were really that unhappy, you could just leave the country, but apparently everyone wants to follow international law and display the right to protest. While we, at the government, respect your right to protest, we also don’t want to see anyone get hurt. Not to mention that protests can be messy and loud! Think of the nuisance. With the help of Priti Patel, Boris Johnson and Emperor Palpatine, we’ve created a handy guide on how to protest without being too much of a bother.

When it comes to sign making in a protest, sometimes they can be quite mean! Signs like “fuck the police,” and “stop murdering us,” just come off as rude! Instead of blaring these signs on the street and shoving them in the faces of law enforcement, consider folding them up and putting them under your pillow. That way, the tooth fairy will have a look and report back to us. Everyone knows that putting something under your pillow turns it into a magical wish; plus, maybe you’ll even have some nice dreams where you live in a better and fairer society. Wouldn’t that be nice!

We understand the need to vent your frustration and anger; it wouldn’t be a free society without such luxuries. That’s why, at 16:20 every Tuesday, we offer a national sigh; the entire country can get together for a big old, beleaguered sigh and really let it all out! Please note that the beleaguered sigh must be done indoors, if you groan, wail, or heaven forbid, shout, you will be immediately fined, and if the sigh is done outside of sanctioned hours you will be placed on house arrest.

We get it, you guys want to march; not only are they efficient ways of demonstrating, but they’re a great way to get the steps in! At the government HQ, we care about your health; surely there’s a better way to work out than going to a demonstration! Plus, if you’re marching outside, you’ll be in the way of everything; think of the poor cars! So, instead of attending a march, try attending the local gym! Who needs a demonstration when you’ve got yourself a nice treadmill. This way you won’t have to carry a measly sign, you won’t get caught in the rain, and best of all, you won’t be in the way!

We understand that you want to voice your opinions and be heard, but much like Anna Paquin in The Irishman, sometimes the unspoken can be so much more powerful. To really make an impact, instead of speaking out, try being quiet instead! A withering gaze can say a thousand words, and this way your shrill whiny voices won’t give anyone a headache. The amount of paracetamol we’ve been guzzling is honestly concerning; surely you don’t want us to accidentally overdose and get liver failure?

Letter writing campaigns have historically been used for people to get their point across, but let’s be honest; letters are a bit antiquated right? What is this, Pride and Prejudice? Try sending a personalised cookie instead! Sure, there’s a character limit, and it’ll be nearly impossible to convey your point effectively in icing, but who doesn’t love cookies? Not a fan? Try personalised brownies, personalised pizza, personalised cake! (Okay full disclosure, it’s Bryan from HR’s birthday soon, and we desperately need snacks for the office party. Normally he organises everyone’s birthday, but obviously he can’t organise his own party, that’s tragic. Plus he’s been hinting about how excited he is for his office birthday party and frankly, we’ve all left it too late. Oh, and he got divorced this year so we really want to do something special).

So there you have it! A handy government guide to protest! You’re welcome, whiners! Enjoy all the government-sanctioned protest time! Be sure to stick to the guide, after all, we don’t want anyone to get arrested.