According to DC, Batman doesn't fuck

Well, he fucks, but not well. According to the writers of Harley Quinn, DC removed a scene where Batman goes down on Catwoman. DC are okay with Batman straight-up murdering people (as seen in the Snyder films), but cunnilingus is apparently too much. Now I could write a nuanced article about how violence is deemed less inappropriate than female gratification on screen, or I could talk about how Hollywood has become so monopolised that it’s accidentally reverted back to the virtuous and sexless ways of the Hays code, but instead, I’m going to write a shitpost ranking the oral aptitude of all the Batmen, because apparently, I’m now the Boshemia Superhero correspondent? 

Batfleck

Absolutely not. Everything about the Snyderverse (and frankly all the latest superhero films) are utterly sexless, it’s impossible to imagine Ben Affleck pleasing a woman. Everything in this universe is grey and bleak - there is no pleasure to be gained from any of this, let alone female pleasure.

Christian Bale Batman

The only version of Batman that dines out is in the last 10 seconds of the trilogy where he and Anne Hathaway are chilling out in Italy and he’s wearing a loose casual shirt. In Batman Begins, the kiss between him and Katie Holmes is so flaccid and loveless, there’s no way this guy goes cave diving. Yet, in the final scenes, we see someone at ease with himself and secure in his relationships. While many think that this trilogy is about embracing and shedding your fears, it’s also about becoming comfortable enough with yourself to go spelunking every now and then. Prior to this however, it was a dark night for this Dark Knight. 

Val Kilmer

He doesn’t. His romantic scene with Nicole Kidman was… just wasn’t. This version of Batman is, without a doubt, saving himself for marriage. You’re on a roof and Nicole Kidman literally removes her shirt and Val Kilmer looks like he’s never seen a bra before in his life. “Chicks dig the car,” he says before sneaking off into the night and sadly whack one off into a sock. 

George Clooney

He does. Batman and Robin is so unpopular in the (largely male) fandom, because it was “campy,” and “cheesy.” The real reason they hate it so much is because it’s fun and Batman fucks. Batman was just here to have vibes and sip some pepsi cola. You don’t go toe to toe with Uma Thurman and not enjoy dining at the ritz. And you can charge it to his Bat Credit Card. 

RPatz

He does, but in typical softboi fashion, he’s weird about it. He’ll put on a sunset lamp that he found advertised under a viral tweet, show his record player off and start playing Joy Division (and he’ll go on a tangent about how it sounds much purer on vinyl).  Then he’ll start sampling the cherry pie, but he refuses to stop until he’s happy you’re happy; this means upward of an hour of sore tongues and sore mouths. He’s trying you guys, he’s really trying. 

Michael Keaton

He does, and he’s the best one; in part because he’s so nonchalant about it. Yeah he’s got trauma, yeah he tips the velvet every now and then - and what? The original peach eater, Michael Keaton is cool and not afraid to break rules. Directed by Tim Burton, there’s a certain sense of dark whimsy to it however - he’ll take you to a cave, then he’ll take himself to a cave. Imagine going toe to toe with Michelle Pfeiffer and not getting Breakfast at Tiffany’s. 

Batman XXX: A Porn Parody

There’s really not much I can say about this one - this guy fucks. 

Adam West

He attends orgies in character. You can’t attend an orgy in character without occasionally going downstairs. It was the 60’s. Summer of Love baby. Grab a spoon; the orgy buffet is open.