The Perfect Brexit

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe…

It’s finally here! Today’s the day. March 29th, Brexit Day! Today we leave the EU on the terms of the deal Prime Minister Theresa May negotiated with them so expertly. As you will be aware, the deal passed parliament in December with a record breaking 100% of MPs voting in favour. They were all incredibly supportive of the deal as May had agreed to involve them in the process from the very beginning, so as to avoid the disastrous situation of bringing a deal they didn’t like to them too close to the leaving date.

Yes, this great nation of ours owes a debt of extreme gratitude to the Prime Minister’s foresight and strategic brilliance. Of course, the credit must be shared with her Brexit secretary, David Cameron, who after stepping down as leader famously declared that “As I have gotten us into this mess, I’m jolly well going to stick around and see us through it.” With this level of support, May is sure to win the general election that is expected to be called next year; the first since 2015. I mean obviously. There was no reason to call one in the meantime.

Celebrations have been jubilant throughout the country. The Brexit bus ends its national tour in the capital tonight, after spending three months delivering buckets of cash to every hospital in the country. It will then become the star exhibit in the British Transport Museum. Revellers are gathering in Parliament Square for Brexit fest, to be headlined by The Smiths and Oasis after both bands reunited in the spirit of national unity. And Nigel Farage will be burnt at the stake in South Thanet, as there is no longer any need for him.

Not everyone is happy with the outcome though. Last weekend, the People’s March attracted millions of protesters to London, demanding a second referendum. The march was of course attended by mostly remain voters, who now want a chance to change their vote to leave after realising what fools they’ve been. One marcher was quoted as saying “When I first voted I thought Brexit was an unobtainable fantasy that was fuelled by ignorance and xenophobia. But now I see how simple it was to achieve and that all the experts were wrong about the economic risks, I’ve changed my mind. Brexit means Brexit!”

The mood in the EU was more sombre. After France sunk into the English Channel last year, widening the physical distance between mainland Britain and the EU, their negotiating power has been somewhat weakened. As part of their divorce bill, they will be paying the UK government £37 billion to allow them to trade with us. They will especially be relying on UK exports of cars, after every car manufacturing plant on the continent closed and relocated to the north of England. The cars will be shipped via the fleet of ferries organised by Sir Chris Grayling, who was recently knighted for services to transport.

As popular as Brexit is, we as a country are very glad that this whole process is now behind us. We can focus on the important issues facing our country, undistracted by political infighting. So now, let us all join hands and walk into the glorious sunrise of an independent United Kingdom.

Luca Micheli