A Semi Reverent List of Oscar Host Suggestions

Happy Oscar Season, Gays (and pretentious straights)! With the release of the Golden Globe nominations and the general little gold man smell in the air, I’m sure we’re all counting down the minutes for us all to waste 6 hours to see Gaga’s gracious-but-disappointed-with-the-loss-face (I’m sure it’ll be stunning). But wait, what’s that I see on Twitter? No one’s hosting? Well Academy members and Boshemia fans (the Venn diagram is a circle, I’m sure), let me put my 2 cents forward and present to you an unsolicited list of people who absolutely should host the Oscars. (Twitter is talking about this, and I hear this is how you get clicks. Am I doing SEO right? Is this marketing?)

Billy Eichner

Despite recent efforts to make the Oscars shorter and more hip 2 the kidz ™, the Oscars are, and will always be, long and boring. We need someone full of energy (both boisterous and exasperated), whose voice would be enough to wake up Clint Eastwood when he inevitably falls asleep and dreams of assailing chairs. Eichner is relevant and funny (which is more that can be said for other names batting around the ring), and would inject some much needed manic energy into an otherwise droll affair.

Michelle Wolf

We know that she’s hilarious and quick-witted, and unafraid to tell jokes to people right in front of their face! After Netflix shamelessly cancelled her show, we’re all dying for Michelle to come back on our screens and make a room full of overprivileged self-important celebrities uncomfortable. Surely it’s her destiny.

Seth Meyers

As far as late night hosts go, his every day political coverage is among the best out there. He’s hosted award shows before, he’s well versed in sketch comedy, and he’s got a bunch of funny friends who will, no doubt, help with any shenanigans. Also there’s a chance we might get an Oscars' version of Popsicle Schtick, and that’s all I need right now.

Hasan Minhaj

His Netflix show ended up being an informative, hilarious delight, he’s enlightened the world on the joys of lota’s, and looks gooood in a tux. The Academy has never had anyone of Asian descent host before, and Hasan would be perfect. He’s got an endearing, wide-eyed and grateful energy that all the A-listers would love, he’s no stranger to hosting under difficult conditions, and did I mention that he looks good in a tux? Well, he does.

Shangela

Comedian, actress, dancer, lip-syncher, Shangela can do it all (apart from making her own gowns, but let’s not act like Billy Crystal can do that!) She stole scenes in A Star Is Born, is certified bff’s with Gaga, proved her talent on All Stars 3 (which she should have won, but that’s a whole other argument), and is probably the hardest working bitch in the business. Let’s have an Oscars ceremony with lip syncs, reveals, several costume changes and Shangela opening the show by jumping out of a box. Halleloo, she’s back bitches.

The Muppets

They probably should have hosted a few years ago when they were actually making movies, but this is an obvious choice. They’re hilarious, adorable, talented, and everyone loves them! If there’s any group of people / puppets that could bring together a divided nation, it’s The Muppets without a doubt.

Monique Heart

Tired: Kevin Hart

Wired: Monique Heart

Facts are facts, America.

Hillary Clinton / Bernie Sanders

Bless them, they need something to do. Could this be a tag team to rival Tina and Amy? I mean, no, but at least it would keep them out of politics for a bit.

Donald Trump

Honestly, if we offered him the hosting job in exchange for the presidency, I’d reckon he’d take it. It’d be the worst broadcast in the history of television, but it’d be worth it. Let’s bite the bullet; the country needs it.

John Travolta

Bring on those terrible pronunciations!

Gritty

Not necessarily the host we need, but the host we deserve.

That Tupac hologram

Remember that? That was a weird experience. Anyway, fuck it, let’s bring it back

 Sarah Q (me)

I’m hilarious and I look great in a gown, let’s go people.