author: sarah q, satire, TV

D8 a Str8 Valentine’s Edition: How to Do Valentine’s Day and Still Be Punk

Heart-shaped boxes of candy are on sale, Papa Johns are doing heart-shaped pizza, and for some reason my Facebook ads are all lingerie themed. Could only mean one thing: Valentine’s Day is here. That’s right, the least important day of the year has arrived again! Sure, we all know you’re more excited for February 15th – when all the heart-shaped shit is suddenly on sale, but what are you going to do on the day? Why even celebrate at all, it’s not like you’re Emily Blunt and John Krasinski (objectively the best couple in the world, don’t @ me). To celebrate it would surely make you a hypocrite; what is Valentine’s day if not a capitalist money making machine that teaches young girls that love and affection are intrinsically tied to monetary value?

But also, who doesn’t like stuff? I like stuff. Buy me things!

Sticky situation right? Worry not, ladies! I’ve devised a guide to celebrating V day but still staying punk.

Picking out a gift is tricky. Everything in the shops seems so saccharine and consumerist. As we learned yesterday flowers can be risky.  You could spice things up by getting a sex toy that the two of you can enjoy, but even that seems a bit obvious. I’d recommend getting him several tins of soup, a wind-up torch and an oxygen tank.  As we head into the impending apocalypse, show your man that there’s no one you’d rather die in an underground bunker with. Nothing says romance like preparedness for the inevitable dark times ahead.

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name a better valentine’s gift – you can’t!

As we all learned from extensive feminist reading that one episode of 30 Rock, Feb 14th also happens to be Anna Howard Shaw day! Anna Howard Shaw was a leader of the US Suffrage Movement; she was also a trained physician and minister. Celebrate her Feb 14th birthday, and her legacy by picketing the White House! Donald Trump will surely be busy eating candy and enjoying a silent dinner with a Melania Trump blow up doll that he’ll be totally blindsided by a protest! Nothing says romance like standing out for hours in the cold holding a protest sign that’s heavier than it looks.

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Another fun date idea is going furniture shopping! Everyone always needs more furniture, and it’s a hipster couple staple, from the adorable #couplegoals of 500 Days of Summer, to the super romantic You. Walk around Ikea looking and furniture you can’t afford for the house you’ll never have because everything is expensive, and you did have some avocado toast a month ago. Besides, fellas – you think ladies love it when they open jars for you? Just you wait till you ask her to carry a double wardrobe.

When picking a Valentine’s Day movie, the choices are overwhelming. Do you go for rom-com, dramatic romance, or quirky indie romance that’s equal parts funny and heartbreaking? My vote? Neither. There’s only one acceptable Valentine’s Day movie, and that’s A Quiet Place.

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I mean look at him

If you ask me, there’s nothing sexier than good sound design, and this movie has it all. Quick warning: while the sound design is objectively hot, this movie comes at a risk; seeing Emily Blunt and John Krasinski onscreen will only remind you of you incompetencies. I mean, look at him; he doesn’t have his own Amazon Prime show. He doesn’t know Steve Carell. Look at you: you aren’t a national treasure. You don’t know Meryl Streep. Look at the both of you; there aren’t any cute moment compilations of the two of you on YouTube. Stanley Tucci isn’t going to come to your wedding. Pathetic. You’ll have to accept the fact that there’s really only one good str8 couple, and it’s Emily Blunt and John Krasinski. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move past this difficult hurdle.

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1/2 of the only good str8 couple, the honourable Emily Blunt

So in summary, A Quiet Place is a great film, and Valentine’s Day is silly.

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