Happy New Year, 2017 was terrible! Donald Trump just swung his dick everywhere and the world suffered for it. Remember the Alt-Right March and how it seemed so long ago? That was in August. This year has had about five years worth of stuff shoved in and as a result, I’m very tired and in dire need of a nap for the next millennia. Please wake me up when we’ve formed a more civilised society on Mars. (Oh what a neat concept, I wish there was a magazine that wrote about that kinda stuff).
But 2017 wasn’t all bad
No really 2017 wasn’t all bad. From our point of view, we launched two magazines. That’s objectively cool. One of them even sold out, and the other is available to buy right now! Some other things also happened! Have a look at this completely serious, well thought out list of things I enjoyed in 2017.
The Oscars Trolled White People
Wasn’t La La Land nice? It was just a nice story of two white people who don’t know what a Jazz song is. (City of Stars is like the opposite of Jazz but whatever I guess). Such a nice film. It sure would be a shame if something horrible happened to it, wouldn’t it?
Moonlight was one of the best films I’ve ever seen in my life, and it doesn’t hold a candle to the emotional rollercoaster that was their Oscar win. We all thought La La Land would win, it was safe and uplifting and white – there’s no way an experimental tragic story about being poor, black and queer could best it. So when La La Land won, we were all surprised, yet disappointed. No one could have expected the most surreal thing to happen on live TV. Honestly, it is a shame that Moonlight’s win was overshadowed by the sheer spectacle of it, but also this was a wonderful car crash that no one could stop watching.
This Iconic Moment of Gay History
A middling season of Drag Race was saved by this right here. The lack of frontrunner and “meh” (in comparison to former seasons) ended up saving the whole show, as it allowed for the Lip Synch For The Crown format, and for a man in a dress to take off his wig and for rose petals to graceful come tumbling down his padded and made up body. She lip syncs with such passion and intensity; every move is perfectly planned but feels spontaneous. She turned a song about excellent peen into a mad woman lamenting a former lover. Come thruuuu Sasha Velour, the current braining of drag race.
Barely Any Beloved Celebrities Died
Sadly we lost Tom Petty and Mary Tyler Moore, but compared to last year, huge success. Sure, instead of dying, beloved celebrities were actually outed as sexual predators, but at least we didn’t have to write in memoriams and cry about it! Instead, every woman just walked around being reminded of their trauma! Beats being reminded of your mortality? No, I’m not sure it does. Oh well! At least George Michael didn’t die this year.
This Article About A The Time Where A Dog At A Dan’s Heart on One Tree Hill
It’s just nice to finally get some answers. I remember it vividly; I must have been in my mid to late teenagers, I was watching One Tree Hill out of obligation at this point – Lucas and Peyton had gotten married, they were pretty much the only thing I was invested in at this point. The show had become overrun with terrible child actors, melodrama and uninspired musical queues. Then, one evening, as I was half watching the show and half doing my homework, it happened.
I mean what the actual fuck.
I’m pretty sure this scene irrevocably changed me. Even idiot teenage me knew that this was all wrong. I needed answers. The quest for truth has been perilous, but it finally ended in 2017 with Andrew Gruttadaro’s Oral History. There’ve been some excellent pieces in journalism this year, from the Trump Dossier, to the Weinstein expose, but my top pick is going to have to be this oral history of the weirdest minute in teen drama history. He got interviews with pretty much everyone (except for Chad Michael Murray, who was probably busy refining his dramatic squint). Sure, I didn’t necessarily get the answer I was looking for, but I got catharsis. I got closure.
Oh turns out the creator of One Tree Hill is a sexual predator. For fucks sake.
I Got a Porg Stuffed Toy
Admittedly this might just be recency bias talking considering this literally happened today, but PORG. They’re space birbs. Ewoks are old news, look at these little space puffins. So pure. So wholesome. Protect Porgs.
Memes Became Dada Nonsense
The Dada movement sprung up during World War One as a response to the horrors of war; as a response to social injustices, the fear of mortality, and the rise of nationalism, artists created works which showcased brevity and self-destruction. It is irrational, it is nonsense against nonsense. It is a shitpost and it’s back baby.
Memes have been on fire this year, and the Dada influences are obvious; from the sociopolitical influences to the sheer absurdity without explanation, we’re living in surreal times, and we’ve got memes to match. The anonymous meme makers of the world at the true heroes of 2017.
The Unicorn Thing Finally Imploded on Itself
Unicorns are cool, right? Horses with horns and magical powers? Objectively that’s badass, with a broad appeal. So, obviously, the late capitalism daemons decided to run it to the ground. Unicorn hair! Unicorn cake! Unicorn makeup! Unicorn caskets (probably)! Everything was unicorns, and unicorns were everywhere. Unicorn nonsense reached its nadir with the Starbucks unicorn frappuccino; an overpriced saccharine, coloured treacle nonsense that the poor Starbucks employees detested. Apparently, it tasted terrible. We’re done, right? Can we just stick with unicorn shaped erasers and stickers? Not every food needs to be a mythical Harry Potter creature; wise lessons from 2017.
See, it wasn’t all bad right? Sure we had natural disasters and Nazi’s and all that nonsense, but we had Get Out! We had Lady Bird, The Good Place, SZA, a new LCD Soundsystem album that was actually good! Laura Dern! Laura Dern in space! Laura Dern winning an Emmy! Wholesome memes! I finally got my skincare routine down! If we die by nuclear war, at least we gave Moonlight an Oscar first.