Has this ever happened to you?
You’re sitting at your desk, doing paperwork; you’ve spent the entire morning editing the margins, perfecting the font – none of that Arial size 10 bullshit for you, you’ve gone for deluxe fonts. Instead of a plain black font, you’ve one upped yourself and gone for dark, dark, dark, dark grey. The difference is barely noticeable but you know. Oh, boy do you know. You’ve decided to print it on the fancy paper that’s normally reserved for special events. Sure, the finance department will probably yell at you again for wasting resources and money, and apparently, the company is nearly ~broke,~ but you don’t care – this report is worth it. You are worth it.
(The report in question is the weekly update for Linda in HR but it doesn’t matter. This report is too dang valuable for stupid Linda and her stupid bangs that she won’t shut up about. Shut up Linda)
The 130-gsm paper is fresh from the printer. Warm. You’re careful not to smudge the fresh ink with your newly manicured nails as you carry it back to your desk with great ceremony. It’s beautiful, it’s your best work so far, and yet. Something is missing, you can’t quite say. You look for something with which to bind this incomplete masterpiece. You scan your stationary organiser next to your rock in a bag. It’s not quite right. Nothing is quite right.
The paperclips feel cheap and replaceable.
The stapler seems cruel.
The hole puncher seems callous.
And don’t even get me started on the bullclips; they are bullish, angry, an unwelcome invader to this world.
A single tear rolls down your perfectly contoured face as you realise that you have failed. You have failed your aesthetic, you have failed Linda from HR with her stupid bangs, you have failed everything you hold sacred in this world.
You have failed yourself.
Relatable, right? Well, fear no more, because the good folks have Prada have released the perfect solution; a Prada Paperclip for the low, low price of £140. This is not just a paperclip; this is a sterling silver 6cm conversation piece. Embossed with the iconic Prada sign, this is sure to make Linda from HR shut the fuck up about her bangs. The Prada paperclip will hold together anything that a normal paperclip can hold together, but even better – it can hold together money.
Oh, what’s that? You don’t have any money left after you spent it all on paper clips, bagged rocks, WiFi enabled juicers, Bluetooth salt shakers and designer IKEA bags? That’s fine, it still holds together paper. Well, not that much paper, it’s obviously not as pliable as a normal paperclip, it’s made of sterling silver.
But let’s imagine you do have money left. What better way to hold it together than with a Prada paperclip. Who needs wallets when you’ve got a small piece of silver? Leave your stacks of cash open and exposed in your Balenciaga IKEA bag, held together by pure excess. Sure, the money might get scuffed, lost or even ripped, but who needs accessible money and convenience when you’ve got a Prada Paperclip holding together your money.
At a bargain price of £140, the Prada paperclip won’t just keep your papers together. It won’t just keep your money together. It’ll keep your life together. Once you start using the Prada paperclip, you’ll show the rest of the schmucks in your office that you’ve got nothing to prove to those losers. Sure, the finance department might continue yelling at you for wasting company money on designer stationary. Sure, Linda from HR might continue talking about her bangs (or as she and everyone else in the country calls it, a fringe. How very gauche.) Let them. You’ve got a Prada paperclip; what else do you need? Certainly, not a mortgage, a good credit score, financial stability, friends, family or bangs.
You’ve got it all.
You’ve got a Prada Paperclip.