The other day, I was in the kitchen, wearing a classic shirt waist dress and an old school apron, chain smoking and generally looking like a discontent housewife, whilst I was cooking a big old home cooked meal for my darling husband. It was his favourite; cheeky Nandos style pot roast. Naturally, I’d never had any, because it’s important that a woman retains her figure, but he seemed to like it, so that’s the important thing.
My darling husband was late. He often arrived late, sometimes with lipstick on his collar, but he swore to me that he wasn’t having an affair so that was the end of that conversation. As I sat alone in the kitchen, with no one to keep me company but my children, I couldn’t help but glance at the salt shaker. It looked so boring. It was just a little ceramic pot with a few holes in it. I hated it. It was dull, drab, desolate, and it reminded me of the limitations of humanity.
I had no such qualms with the pepper shaker. I loved the pepper shaker.
I must have been in a funny mood, because from then on I couldn’t stop noticing things! In particular, the kitchen was so quiet. It’s like I could hear my own thoughts or something. The only noises were the television, the radio, the kids, the bubbling pot, the whistling kettle, and nothing at all! I glared at the salt shaker. “You’re the reason I’m thinking,” I thought at it, while I pondered the mortality of man and how my darling husband definitely wasn’t having an affair. I needed a distraction, and the salt shaker wasn’t doing it.
Luckily, my life changed when I discovered Smalt. What is smalt, I hear you ask. No, it’s not the name of a rejected Disney sidekick, it’s better than that! Smalt is the world’s first smart salt shaker, and formidable proof that Silicon Valley definitely aren’t running out of ideas, they aren’t completely up their own backsides, and that capitalism sure does breed pure innovation. Smalt is “the first multi-sensory device to make dining experience fun [sic].” It’s Bluetooth activated (like all good things are) and can link up to your mobile phone to play music. What’s more, it helps out with the ambience at dinner! I know whenever I have to throw a dinner party, I start getting panic attacks about the lighting, but luckily Smalt is built with a colour changing mood light! I can finally stop taking my Valium. Also, you’ll never guess this; it stores salt! Just give it a few shakes and salt just comes pouring out. Finally, I can season my food, with mood lighting and music all from the same device.
Smalt calls itself a “fun and interactive way to shake salt and bring out the flavour.” Finally, an interactive method of salting food; I was getting so fed up of the passivity with which I added salt. I couldn’t believe no one had made a similar product before; it’s almost like there was no demand for a Bluetooth enabled music playing salt shaker with ambient lighting. It sits proudly as the centrepiece of my dining room table. Just the other day my dear friend Betty stopped by and complimented it. She then asked if it finally made me feel happy, and I burst into tears, but they were probably just tears of joy over this wonderful contraption.
Probably. I’m not sure how to tell anymore.
Smalt sits proudly by my Juicero (it makes juice out of bags of juice! And it’s got wifi!) and my rock in a bag. Every day, my husband looks at these wonderful items and sighs a little bit. Every day he looks at me with more and more pity and disappointment. And every day, I stare at my contraptions and just for a little bit, feel more whole inside. I personally can’t wait until they add Bluetooth to everything! Mirrors, tampons, people!
Just not the pepper shaker. I love the pepper shaker.