With Valentine’s Day and the inevitable nuclear holocaust coming up, don’t we all just want someone with whom to watch as the mushroom clouds explode as you eat heart shaped candy? Well, here’s a post for all the straight male readers out there – that’s right, all three of you. Here’s a post on how to date a feminist; because as the world eats itself up, you need someone by your side to blame everything on the patriarchy. Read on straight dudes for the ultimate feminist dating guide.
Meeting The Feminist
“But mate,” I hear you say, “mate, how am I supposed to date a feminist if I can’t even meet one?!” Excellent question Mr. Straight Guy. Where in fact does the illustrious feminist reside? I’m sure, like every straight man, you’ve checked the local gyms, petrol stations and every Superdry within a 10-mile radius. The feminist can be found in a variety of places that you might not expect; you could try the women’s section of a bookstore, the “early to mid-90s female-led punk” section of a record store, or buying high waisted jeans purely to spite those “trends than men hate” lists. (Sidebar, it’s working ladies. Keep up with the high-waisted-bitterness-buys gals.) Also, in this geopolitical climate, go to one of the weekly anti-Trump rallies, throw a rock and you’ll hit about five feminists. But please don’t throw rocks at us, it hurts.
“But mate, how am I supposed to talk to her?!” Good question mate; odds are that she’ll be listening to a feminist podcast or some early to mid-90’s female-led punk music. Here’s a top tip for you; go up to her with a sense of confidence yet willingness to learn, and ask her to open a jar for you. This does mean you’ll have to carry an unopened jar with you at all times, but that’s fine; when it’s opened you’ve got yourself a snack! (I’d recommend sundried tomatoes or artichokes – the Mediterranean flavours really add a sense of
romance.) After this brave display of vulnerability, after her initial sense of confusion, the feminist will be truly flattered that you can sense her strength. Even if she can’t open the jar, she’ll understand that it’s inner strength that you could sense. Once you’ve got a conversation going, maybe offer her an artichoke or compliment her high-waisted jeans; bonus points if you call them “very Katherine Hepburn.” After that, it’s only a matter of seconds before you start having a conversation about misogyny in Hollywood. Fun!
Asking Out The Feminist
I recently had a conversation with a straight guy who insisted that feminists should ask men out because equality (that was the crux of his argument – excellently thought out). If a feminist does ask you out that’s great, but just like women shouldn’t be afraid of asking for a pay raise, you shouldn’t be scared of asking out a feminist. A good, fool proof line is something like “I’d really like to explore some views with you,” and then ask her to whatever date location you choose. That being said, a typical restaurant and a movie is getting so trite; if you’re going to ask her to a movie, try make sure it’s made by a female director. At the very least you should check that it passes the Bechdel tests. Other fun feminist date ideas include an anti-Trump rally, a Beyoncé concert, an early to mid-90s female-led punk band concert. For a quieter option, how about a poetry or book reading, the theatre or a museum (bonus points if there’s a women’s art / history section). Maybe you could go to the local library and read Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie extracts to each other, or perhaps you could offer to cook for her, slyly mentioning that the kitchen isn’t just a women’s place anymore. The possibilities truly are endless.
Dating The Feminist
I’ll be honest with you mate, dating a feminist does take a little bit of adjusting but boy is it worth it. You’d better invest in a sturdy pair of shoes and some poster making equipment because odds are you’re gonna be going to a lot of rallies for the next four years. Given the geopolitical climate, odds are that every now and then she’ll come up with statements like “straight white guys are the worst.” Try not to get offended and just remember that it’s true, you are the worst. Simply agree with her and offer to put that on a poster for the next rally. Don’t even think about blaming her bad moods on PMS – instead just blame them on Trump (odds are he’s at least a little bit responsible anyway.) If that’s getting old, then just blame it on Nigel Farrage or Steve Bannon; there will always be enough horrible straight men in politics for you to shift the blame on. The intersectional feminist will always try to stay woke, so sleeping might be a bit of an issue. Invest in an eyemask and some earplugs to get some sleep while she’s blogging about Black Lives Matter. Or maybe you could try staying woke yourself? The world is dying, who needs sleep right?
Buckle up straight guys, it’s a hell of a ride, but it’s worth it. So this Valentine’s Day try something different: try a feminist. Now if anyone needs me, I’ll be in a bookstore flexing my jar opening muscles.